Friday, February 14, 2014

It has been a while....and this turned quite personal

Its been a while since I have just written a blog post to just write or vent or whatever. When I began the blog I did it yes, to read and review books but to also connect with other book whores....ummm enthusiastic book lovers and sluts of the many book boyfriends we seem to amass while reading our hearts out. 

I sat down with the intent of writing a book review but that is not what my heart wants so here I go, now I might get mushy and cry but this is what my heart and soul want me to do. 

I have been a bit distant not because I want to be but because School. Also, my child was diagnosed with a life altering illness. No, thank God no cancer or anything like that but its still enough that I went through a bit of a depression and withdrew even from the girls here on the blog. I thought of how this illness will change his life, if I will ever get back my charismatic son who made me laugh at jokes or just his imitation of people. Will he still be able to focus on the life he's always wanted now that he has to take medicine everyday of his life for the rest of his life. Will the medicine help or keep him a zombie in the body of the son I once knew. Once people know will they look at him or I differently? Will they just judge him, feel sorry for him and dismiss him thinking he is not good enough? Will his friends still be around? will people accept him as is knowing he is different? will his future be as bright as we had hoped for him? These are all things I have no answers to.

While reading a certain book Song of the Fireflies, I was emotional. I was a wreck, more than I wanted to admit to anyone. This book perfectly pegs my son. I will never know the things he suffers or how to handle things, but this book helped me in a few ways. 

  1. I was able to see things through his eyes.
  2. I am now able to ask certain questions, I never had thought about before.
  3.  I can see warning signs I thought were just him acting like a teenage boy.
Now I am not saying it was like angels signing as I read the book. No, not that but I got a better sense for this illness. Then I thought about a few other books, and really I am in awe of authors and the research they put into a book. How they are able to pull these emotions out of the character and write them so they are also pulled from the reader. I want to thank authors who put 1000% into their research. Thank you for helping me to see things in a different light, so that I may be more compassionate of those around me.

I guess the reason I am writing all of this is because I needed to let it out. I am not ashamed of my son, he is the best person I know (okay well all my kids and hubby are but you get me). He is doing better and learning to deal with this illness. He is open and upfront about his feelings, which helps me. He has his days where he doesn't want to take his meds and feels hopeless and I get upset and cry because I know he will always have to live with it, but he also gives me hope. I know he will be alright because there is light shining in his eyes. Prior to his diagnosis he became withdrawn and there was no light in his eyes. He is the type of kid that everyone wants to be around. He is funny and has a great sense of humor, everyone loves this kid. It was hard for me to see him transforming before my eyes and not knowing what I could do to help him, I knew something was wrong and many of my family members just thought he was lashing out and being rebellious because mental illness is not the first thing you think of. 

Not everyone has accepted that he has a mental illness but he has and that is the first step. He dreams of college and a future where he can be free of meds, I know he can do it because he is smart and I am not just saying that, he really is. He has been a GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) student since 3rd grade. He has received awards for scoring the highest on state high school tests. I am proud of him and even though this is a hiccup in the road I have every confidence that he will succeed.

With all that said I have pulled back quite a bit from the blog and blog tours. Well not only because of my son but also school. I decided that when I do read I will be reading and reviewing books I already own (many physical books). I think the hubs likes that since he paid lots of money for them. So for the next few months that is what I will be reading and reviewing. 

I want to say a huge thank you to Dee and Shannon. With out them the blog wouldn't have stayed afloat. Thank you to you readers for everything you do. The book recommendations and for interacting with us. Thank you to all my friends who know about my plight and have spend hours with me crying or just being there to talk to. 

Thank you all for letting me vent and get this off my chest. I have learned that I am not alone. Many people with children do not understand how their child has this. How they missed it, how they believe it is their fault. I have felt all of this and much more. I choose to be optimistic and look ahead with a smile. My son may never be cured but I love him regardless and will continue to do so until my last breath. One day at a time, one step at a time. I refuse to let this beat us. I refuse to say he will never live a normal life. I tell him everyday, that he is good enough. That he will succeed because my husband and I believe in him. We know his heart. We are also realistic and I know there will be a time that he will not be doing so well but I plan to be there and help him through it any way I can. I also know that he has to be willing, but I will fight with him as long as he needs me to. I will be his strength when he feels he has none. He is my son and I am so proud of him.

One last thing, many people think teens go through "things". And many times yes, it is true they do. They do experiment and do reckless things but if you notice something totally off about your child I encourage you to please seek help. I almost lost my son because I didn't know any better. 

Here is info just in case you may need it:

Thank you for reading and letting me express my feelings.
Oh yeah and before people talk shit, I did not do this to exploit my son and his illness, or to have people feel sorry for me. I did this because I want more people to be aware of their children/teens. Sometimes the cries for help are disguised as other issues. We as parents need to look deeper, pay closer attention. I literally felt like I had no place to turn to. I was going out of my mind. We tried many routes that lead to nowhere. Thankfully I was able to find help before it was too late. Just know there are many of us out here, and I am here if you need it! I did this to express that, if you suspect any of your loved ones to be suffering there are programs and people that can help. Please never be ashamed of what others think. Who cares, I will take my son as he is rather than have him as a memory!


1 comment:

  1. I am sending lots of love your way. It takes strength to share and I am happy to listen. Xo